In Soviet Russia Onyxia Downs You (Also, At Our House)

Achievement: #16. Down Onyxia

Ever since we were very low levels, we have dreamed of the day we would be big enough to take down Onyxia. Onyxia was previously one of the toughest bosses in the game, and one of the biggest raids. Even when we were just barely old enough to have our first mounts, we knew that someday, we, too, would be downing the great dragon.

As the expansions went on, Blizzard increased the difficulty of the fight to match our new, higher levels. But still, we always came back to the hilarious and notorious video of the classic Onyxia Wipe. Many of the classic lines in that video make their way into our guild’s daily conversation, and have even been known to appear in our Christmas cards (come on, who hasn’t signed a card ‘many whelps’ before?).

So before the new expansion dropped, we were eager to have a go at the difficult lady of the black dragonflight. And one Sunday evening, on random chance, there was a LFM (looking for more) call on the trade channel. When LFM calls are made on the trade channel, the Daughters of the Alliance respond.

After assembling together 25 of Azeroth’s finest, we were ready to take down the evil dragon. I should add that the process of assembling a 25-man pug raid (pug means ‘pickup group,’ which differentiates it from your more organized all-guild raids where you theoretically know everyone you’re fighting alongside) takes like an hour. Like a really long, drawn-out hour.

And then we cleared the trash (this means killing off the non-boss baddies that stand between you and the real threats) and made our way to her lair. There she is! The mighty beast!

I almost had a change of heart at this point. I mean, just look at her! I know she did a lot of bad stuff in her day, but don’t you just think she would probably repent if you went up and scratched her behind the ears??

Onyxia Wipe
Unfortunately, no one thought of the scratching-behnd-the-ears tactic, and in fact, our tanks thought only of the ‘be completely inept at your most important duty of holding the boss in place’ tactic, and we, as so many great raids before us, were hit with a massive amount of tail swipe, and wiped.

Like five times. At which point, a bunch of whiny ‘better than thous’ in the raid left, and we were forced to give up our dream.

But there will be another day… Someday, Onyxia, we will be back. And this time, we will try…. BELLY RUBS.

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